The Garret Game

I spent the last hour sitting in the dark with a candle, a space heater, and a jar of pickled green beans. "Why?" you might ask. And the answer would be this: M and I were playing bohemian-writers-living-in-a-drafty-garret. Best game ever, no lie. If you've never played it, go do so now. Make up bohemian names for yourselves and your bohemian lovers. Then, light a candle, take on a British accent, and develop a wasting disease. Don't forget to say everything earnestly so the entire world can know the depth of your feeling.

In the Mind of the Assassin

Ok, note: I will never, ever again just hand someone the money I owe them. This afternoon, M and I conducted a clandestine operation in which we left the money I owe S in a library book and texted him the call number. But, not being satisfied with this scheme, we also wrote him a letter that reads thusly:

To the Hon. S------, Esq,
Enclosed is the payment for services rendered. You shall be contacted at a later date regarding any future targets. We remain,
Clandestinely Yours,
(symbol of Emilandia)

We then sealed it with a wax seal and placed it in In the Mind of the Assassin. Most epic day ever.

The Saga Continues...

The fall formal saga continues. These are the things that happened this weekend:

1. Got asked to formal by Matt #2.
2. Told Matt #2 that I already had a date.
3. Texted TM.
4. Got non-committal response from TM.
5. Drunkenly told S (equally drunk) about the situation.
6. Was asked to formal by S.

So, instead of Matt #2, I'm now going with S (if he remembers asking). I'd say it's a very large step up; I actually like hanging out with S, and he's a really good dancer. On the other hand, Matt #2 asked if I wanted to go out to coffee with him instead, and I couldn't think of a way to say no. I'm going to preface the date with something along the lines of "I'm not looking for a relationship right now," "I just want to be friends," or "I'm actually a lesbian, and I thought you were a woman, but since you're not, let's just be friends."

I know I sound kind of bitchy about Matt #2, but I'd like to defend myself by saying that he hits on anything that moves and has booty called me in the past. And he's super-awkward. I'm also in a place right now where I don't want to be in a serious relationship. It's time-consuming and emotionally consuming. I don't want to put myself in the same place I was last year, when I began to lose sight of who I was in that relationship.

OTHER DRAMA
The time has come for the housing drama to begin. My housemate M has been looking for a place to live with her friends, and she started seriously considering an apartment called the Blue Lagoon. Our other housemate, C, after a conversation about housing with M, decided that she and my former roommate J were going go behind M's back and get a group together to live at the Blue Lagoon. They did this knowing full well that M and her friends were just getting a few last-minute details together before calling the landlord. I was absolutely speechless when I heard about this, because this is something that is ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY TO DO TO A FRIEND. Especially a friend you're living with. Needless to say, things have been tense around the house lately.

Here's Looking At You, Kid

It's official; I'm going to Paris in the spring! I didn't realize how excited I would be to actually be going, but now that I have my acceptance, I can't wait. I think it'll be great to get out of my established routine here at school and, of course, to live in Paris. I've always wanted to go to France, and now I'm going to live there for four and a half months! I'm going to drink great wine, eat great food, and hang out in little cafes. Hopefully, I'll get to visit Sistadre at some point; my program ends early, so maybe I'll spend May with her. Or I'll visit her in January before my program starts. Either way, I'll get out of this small town, meet new people, and have new experiences. Don't get me wrong, I love my school and the sense of community, and I've actually been meeting new people lately, but I need to get away for a while and try something different.

SOME QUOTES:

"This is my spy-suit, bitch!"

"This is going to be one clean bathtub." "Yep. It's going to sparkle like Edward's ass."

"Let's have tea and strumpets!"

CULTURE?
Last weekend, M and I went to the Instant Play Festival, which is an annual event here at school. Student playwrights have one night to write a 10 minute play, which is then produced and rehearsed the next day and performed the next night. Because everyone at my school seems to be exceptionally talented, I expected all of the plays to be incredible, but I was sadly mistaken. With one exception, the plays were inane, confusing, and overly sentimental. There were some good ideas, but, unfortunately, they were not carried out well.

THIS JUST IN
Matt # 2 just called and asked if I needed a date to fall formal. I let him leave a voicemail because I suspected what the call was about, and proceeded to text Matt #1 asap to ask him to be my date, just as friends. I'll even make out with Matt #1 again to get out of going with Matt #2. Why is my life ridiculous?

Sex and the City in the Middle of Nowhere

Because this week is the easiest week of school I've ever had, I just spent the past few hours watching Sex and the City and painting my nails. It sounds silly and girly, and it was, but it was also relaxing, which is just what I needed after last week and all of the silly angsting I've been doing. I've just been in a really strange mood lately, and the asthma is definitely not helping.

Despite the strange mood, I've been having some really great times living with M. Last night, we spent at least an hour watching various Disney songs in Swedish. We've noticed that we are slowly morphing into a single entity and becoming the same person. We've even started speaking simultaneously and finishing each other's sentences. No lie. I'm so glad we're living together; M and I really bring out each other's silliness. We think it's because I'm an ENFP and she's and INFJ, which are complementary types. Apparently, INFJs become ENFPs when spending time with ENFPs, and that's part of why they get along so well. This is absolutely true; I almost never see M so hyper and silly as when we're hanging out, just the two of us.

I really should go to bed now. My stomach hurts from eating too much popcorn (do I ever learn my lesson?), and my bedtime has shifted from 2am to 11am, and it's now way past my bedtime. It's strange, but it feels like when I turned 20, I left my teenage sleeping habits behind, and I now go to bed earlier and get up earlier. I'm turning into an adult. Strange.

I Don't Want to Go to the Conservatory!

We had our first party at our house this weekend, and it was an epic one. It was originally going to be a light-drinking party, but everyone ended up getting pretty drunk, even though our alcohol stash wasn't very large, and it was a board-game party, with Apples to Apples, Taboo, and Clue. It turns out that wasted Clue is hilarious. The highlight of the night was when T, M, and I were sitting on the couch, and we hear Karl yell out "I don't want to go to the conservatory!" a very disgusted voice. It kind of went downhill after that, with someone throwing up in my room, and a couple of guests staying unexpectedly overnight because they couldn't walk home. They were really close friends, so it was alright, but I did end up on the couch instead of in my bed. The next morning, T, M, and I made brunch together and hung out until T had to go back to his dorm for a staff meeting.

Last night was less epic, although there were several things going on. I was tired and emotionally hungover from the night before, and wasn't really in the mood to party. I did end up going over to the Lighthouse for awhile and played a hilarious game of King's Cup. I really can't believe that I wasn't friends with these people until this year, because I really enjoy spending time with them. Aside from Matt #2, who keeps following me around and insinuating that he's interested in hooking up with me. After that, M and her brother (who spent the night with us) went home and stayed up talking for a really long time. It was a good night, if not a particularly exciting one.

AN UPDATE ON THE SUNBURN
My back is now blistering and peeling. I'm pretty sure I've never had a sunburn this bad before. Earlier this week, someone told M and I that we should rub vinegar onto our sunburns because it reduces redness and the pain. Mostly, we just smelled like vinegar.

The School Year Has Begun

M and I are having our first paper writing party of the year, which means the school year has officially begun! We're currently sitting in my room, snacking on random foods because we didn't eat dinner, and trying to write about Huck Finn. Here's the thing about Huckleberry Finn; it's very interesting to discuss, and there's a lot there to talk about, but it's very difficult to turn it into a four page argument. Three pages, yes, but no longer than that. I'm trying to argue that Tom and Huck are foils, which serves to highlight Huck's emotional growth into adulthood as well as underlying tensions between social customs and common sense. In other words, my thesis goes like this: Someone needs to smack Tom Sawyer so hard that he never speaks again.

Tonight was Bid Night, and we got our new girls! It's always exciting to meet the new members and find out if your "rush crushes" are among them. One of mine accepted her bid, and I hung out with her all night, even after Bid Night ended. It's meeting people like this that remind me of why I joined a sorority in the first place. Two of my good friends (D and N) also accepted their bids, which made me really happy. I'm looking forward to spending a lot more time with them.

ANOTHER DOT STORY
I realize that I haven't been keeping you fully updated on the funny stories that Dot tells me. The other day, I heard this story for the first time, even though it took place freshman year. So, freshman year, Dot shared a room with two other girls, so she wore these bright orange squishy earplugs to bed. One night, she had a strangely realistic dream in which she was eating gummy bears, and when she woke up, her earplugs were nowhere to be found.

In Which The Sun Gods Become Wrathful

My entire back is bright red, except for a line down my back from the tie on my halter dress. M and I have spent the evening reapplying vaseline to our sunburns and asking ourselves why we didn't use more sunscreen. Today was Tea Day, the last day of recruitment, and we spent at least five hours in the sun because our tea was held outside. Last year was cold and cloudy, but I'm beginning to wish that this year's weather was more like last year's. Tea Day itself went really well. It's our strongest recruitment event. We had a pretty small group of girls attend, but I wouldn't be surprised if most of them preferenced us. I have to admit, I've been in an antisocial mood lately, so I spent most of recruitment talking to girls I already know (like the twins D and N, who are finally rushing as juniors).

M and I finally caught up on True Blood, watching two seasons in about three weeks. I'm not sure what it is about vampires that's so sexy, but Eric and Bill have definitely stolen my heart. A part of me likes the books better, but the show is still pretty fantastic. Consider it recommended.

The other day I was reading articles on the NY Times website, and I came across an article about a Carl Jung book that is being published for the first time ever. It's called the Red Book, and it details and analyzes his own descent into psychosis and schizophrenic episodes. Apparently, he went through a breakdown in his late 30s and then decided to embrace his madness in order to analyze it and better understand it. He kept the book locked in a drawer for most of his life, and his descendants have kept it in a Swiss bank vault since his death. I'm fascinated by psychosis and hallucinations, so I cannot wait for this book to come out. The editor spent over five years trying to understand the book and adding footnotes.

Who's Breaking Up With Whom Here?

I got back to my house tonight and found an interesting voicemail on my phone. It was from TM, of course, and he said that he hasn't called because he's been busy, and he's not sure he has time for a relationship right now. He ended by saying that I should call him so we can make plans to hang out. Basically, what I'm getting out of it is that he wants to be friends with benefits, but without a relationship. I'm going for friends without benefits. It's actually kind of a relief to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't want to really get involved. I was a little worried that I'd have to break his heart when I told him that I didn't want to hook up or date anymore. Anyways, I still have to return his phone call, and I'm not really sure what I'm going to say.

Anyways, I really am going to take a break from dating for a while. I honestly don't have the time to focus on a significant other unless I'm really interested in the person, or unless they're Josh Groban*. I want to focus on my poetry, singing, and school for a while. And it wouldn't hurt for me to start reading all the books on my personal reading list. The Magus by John Fowles is at the top, followed closely by the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which I've, sadly, never read.



*People I'd Date Right Now, Despite My Break From Dating:
1. Josh Groban
2. Summer Glau
3. The waiter at the Mediterranean restaurant downtown

Homes and Conversations

I am officially breaking my latest tradition of titling my posts with song lyrics. I didn't actually mean it to happen every time, but I always somehow had a song stuck in my head.

Last night was officially the best night I've had since moving into my new house. My two housemates and I were having off-days, so we pulled out a bottle of wine with dinner and moved on to rum and cokes for dessert. The night progressed into a Disney singalong, which turned into a movie marathon, switching between Shakespeare in Love and True Blood. Every time we had to stop True Blood to let it load, we would pull up another computer with Shakespeare in Love on it, and watch until everything was loaded. It was both relaxing and entertaining, and reminded me of why I love my housemates.



A phone conversation I had last night:

E: Hello?
TM: Hey, what you up to?
E: Watching a movie.
TM: What are you doing afterwards?
E: Finishing my homework. And sleeping.
TM: Oh. What are you doing tomorrow night?
E: Going to a friend's birthday party.
TM: We should hang out this weekend.
E: My friends are waiting for me. Bye!

Firstly, this was at 10:00 pm, so it was clearly a booty call. Secondly, he was most definitely drunk. I didn't want to tell him that I didn't want to hook up anymore because I was afraid he wouldn't remember, so now I have to find a good time and place to let him know that he will not be getting any booty from me. Hopefully before this weekend.

Hey, Love, This Is The Fate You've Carved On Me

Today's the first day of classes, and I definitely have a case of the first-day jitters. I always obsessively worry that I'm going to the wrong class or that I have the time wrong, no matter how many times I double check. I'm actually very excited about all my classes this semester. I started reading one of my French books, Aucassin et Nicolette, already because I saw a new musical (in workshop form) based on the story. Then, I realized how nerdy that was, but I didn't really care because I was enjoying it too much.

I had a really awkward experience yesterday, where I was in a close vicinity to both S and TM for a prolonged period of time. I was working at the Theta booth at the Activities Fair, and both TM and S were wandering around the fair. I managed to avoid both of them until the very end, when TM spotted me and came over to the booth, but I made a quick escape because I had to go to work. I really just don't know how to tell him that I don't want to hook up again. Actually, I just want to avoid the male gender for awhile. I haven't really taken enough time for just myself lately. It's time to focus on school, voice, writing, and my friends.

After TM and I hooked up (for clarification, I would like to say that there was no sex, but there was a lot of nudity), I really wanted to talk to my sister, and then I realized that she's in Europe, and I can't call her. It made me really sad, so I went to the park, called Caitlin, and cried to her over the phone for awhile. I didn't realize how much I would miss Jules until that day, and I'm so glad that I have friends (both at home and at school) that can make me feel so much better about everything. I'm so grateful to have friends like these; not every girl is so lucky as to have friends that are understanding, loving, and accepting, not to mention hilarious.

A note on casual sex:
For a long time, I thought that only promiscuous and morally unstable people would ever consider having casual sex, but lately my views have been changing. I believe that sex outside of a relationship is fine, even healthy sometimes, if you have a really strong sexual connection or chemistry with someone. When you're just having sex with the next available person, though, I think that it can cause a lot of emotional damage on both sides, especially if the sexual relationship isn't based around mutual respect.

All I Want Is To Be Your Harbor

Okay, quickie post before sorority recruitment workshop:
Back at school. Lots of mixed feelings about pretty much everything, except, of course, my awesome house and housemates. Not sure what to do about TM, missing S more than I thought I would. Went to my first real party since being back at school, caught up with some friends, flirted with some boys, hooked up with TM. Honestly, I'm really ready to just swear off dating for awhile unless someone really awesome just happens to stumble across my path. And I mean Josh Groban awesome, not just regular awesome.

I read Bet Me again, which somewhat restored my belief in true love. I'm thinking about going to the bookstore and buying the latest Sookie Stackhouse novel to entertain myself while I take a break from the male gender. Maybe I'll also catch up on True Blood.

The Light In Me Will Guide You Home

This week, I packed up 20 years of my life in order to move just 5 miles from the home where I grew up. It's just as hard as you'd think it would be, but I know that it was going to happen at some point. That point just happened so suddenly and so soon.

Today was just preliminary moving; some bags here and there, a few lamps, and box or two. It was strange stepping into the house for the first time, knowing that it's supposed to be home now, when it feels like anything but. The second trip there was easier, if not exactly normal. It's sad, knowing that this is the last night that I'll spend in the house where I had some of my best memories. So much of me has happened in this house, and it's difficult to let go of that. I have a hard time with irrevocable change; I hate knowing that we won't ever be able to come back to this. I keep telling myself that the new house is good too. It has a spectacular view, and it will start to feel familiar soon, but I still can't help but feel nostalgic. In the end, though, I know that it's more important to be with my family and the people I love, even if the house isn't the same.

Dancing Where The Stars Go Blue

I keep starting to write entries for this blog, which then taper off into nothing as I start thinking too much about everything I want to say and everything I want to keep private. In the end, it comes down to this: I don't know what I want.

I want to know why, at the beginning of every new relationship, I get scared and tell myself I don't need or want to start anything romantic. At least it's getting easier to distinguish between plain fear and my intuition telling me "not the right person". With K, it took me four dates to realize that he was not for me; with TM, I don't need to go on any dates to know that, though I have a very physical reaction to him, a relationship would absolutely not work. S is different altogether; I worked through the beginning-stages fear really easily, but freaked out when it came to making myself emotionally vulnerable.

ZB is interesting because I think I could like him a lot, but I also know that I'm leaving in 10 days, and I definitely do not want a long distance relationship at such an early stage. Our date tonight was the most romantic I've ever been on, though. We went to see 500 Days of Summer (my choice), which was a great movie, and he held my hand through the entire thing. There were no awkward "should I go for it or not" movements; he just reached over and laced his fingers in mine. In the car afterwards, we didn't sit around awkwardly wondering if we should do something else; he simply looked at me and asked "waterfront?", and I gave him a thumbs up. The conversation flowed easily, and we both laughed a lot until we got to the waterfront. I can honestly say that I've never been in such a romantic situation. We walked down the waterfront and watched the last bit of light disappear in the sky, and then he kissed me at the end of the pier while we looked at the stars. It wasn't lacking in fun either; we snuck up on a flock of sleeping geese and then we made up stories about this empty building on the waterfront. Some of our better theories: keeping mermaids captive in the surrounding water, and vampires in hiding.

I do have doubts about ZB. He's not as off-beat as the guys I normally date. I love guys who have a lot of passion for life and things in their life. I want guys who aren't afraid to have eccentric interests or who have ambitious goals and aspirations. Despite this, it's very easy to like ZB because he's funny and sweet. Things are simple with him. Maybe that's not something I'm not looking for in a long-term relationship, but I don't mind simple and easy for the last couple weeks of summer. I enjoyed the two dates we've gone on, and I hope I get to know him better before I leave.

A note on kissing: the feeling of kissing someone new is so strange, especially when you're used to someone else's kissing style. I got used to the way S kissed, so it's strange to experience something different. It's not better or worse, just...different.

I Will Love You When You're Blue

Well, I have certainly neglected my blog this summer, so I'll give a quick overview of the month of July.

THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN JULY

1. 4th of July at A and T's lake cabin. Swimming spiders, fireworks, apples to apples, croquet.
2. Road trip through wine country. Three middle-aged women, two college women, lots of wine, meth jokes, and good food.
3. Zoobilee! A 19-hour day, pretty dresses, and driving a cart around the zoo!
4. New boy on the horizon! Full sail ahead!
5. A long-distance non-relationship relationship. What?

IN MORE DETAIL

The road trip was a lot more fun than I had anticipated. Sometimes I feel like I'm a middle-aged woman myself, so hanging out with three of them wasn't too painful at all. Mom, Aunt K, their friend L, Sistadre, and I left on the 9th for our trip, and we definitely had some moments that felt like they were straight out of a movie. L, a single mom, was on the verge of leaving her fiancee, so we ended up talking a lot about relationships, love, and life. We also amused ourselves sometimes by deciding which houses in the boonies were probably meth labs. We also ate a lot of good food and blatantly ogled our servers. My favorite night was probably our last night, when we sat outside for dinner and split appetizers and dessert. Our waitress fascinated me; she had moved out to the west coast from the east coast, and she hinted that it was because of a failed relationship. I've always wondered what kind of problems would drive someone to pick up their life and completely start over again in a new place.

Zoobilee was crazy. I spent the day driving a cart around, loading and unloading big trucks full of food and alcohol. Then, I got a two hour break to shower and put on a pretty dress. After that, it was back to the zoo to work will call and the auction until 1:30 am, when I was on clean-up duty until 3:30 am. It was a lot of fun; I love working events!

New boy prospects! One of the guys at the zoo (we'll call him ZB for Zoo Boy), invited me to attend a wedding with him, but I'll be back at school by then (which is a shame because I love weddings). So, I suggested hanging out sometime, and we're going to see The Ugly Truth on Monday! ZB reminds me of S in some ways; he's funny and a little nerdy, but very sweet. I'm excited to get to know him outside of the context of the zoo.

TM is still texting me. I freaked out a little earlier in July because it was suddenly way too involved. I felt like we were in a relationship already; he would text me to say goodnight or ask how work was going or to tell me that I'm hot. Relationshippy things. Which, to be honest, I would be ecstatic about if it were someone other than TM, but I'm not sure I want something serious with TM. Actually, I'm not sure I want anything serious with ANYONE right now. I've been thinking a lot about love lately, and I'm not sure any of the guys in my life are really right for me. But we shall see.

So, that was the month of July, and I guess we'll see what August has in store!

So Tell Me Darling, True; What Am I To You?

Saturday night was the second week of the themed party extravaganzas! It was a Random party, which turned out to be incredibly...random. There was croquet, cake-baking, line-dancing, Dr. Horrible, and a group sing. S and his friend D came to the party, which was fun. I believe that the next party theme will be SPIES!

Because it was F's last weekend here, we convinced her to come skinny-dipping with us at 1 in the morning. We even got C to jump in with only her swimsuit bottoms, which I thought would never happen! Skinny-dipping is one of those things that makes me realize how comfortable I am with my friends and how much I trust them.


I'm still listening to Norah Jones obsessively. In particular, it's the first three songs off "Feels Like Home". I'm not sure why I'm so into these songs right now, but they're fun to drive to, and I've been doing a lot of driving lately.

C and I had the most EPIC movie marathon last week! We started with The Mummy 3 (bad movie, fantastic eye candy and costumes), continued with The Three Musketeers (Disney version), and 2 episodes of Castle. Then, we went to bed, slept in until noon and got up for a matinee of Star Trek (sci-fi bromance!). We came home and finished off the marathon with Wild Wild West. In addition to all this, we made the most delicious chicken and dumplings ever and some pear-strawberry cookies, most of which we consumed very quickly. It was great getting to spend some quality time with C; most of the time it's J, C, and I, and they tend to go off into their own little world where I'm not quite included.

Forgive Me, Pretty Baby, But I Always Take the Long Way Home

A note on fiestas: If you want to have a truly spectacular fiesta, you must always ask Señor Funtimes to be your host. And you must always serve margaritas and tequila sunrises and listen to mariachi music until you get tipsy enough to dance to Britney Spears, Katy Perry, and ABBA with your girlfriends. If you need to find Señor Funtimes, he is the dashing and lecherous Mexican in the poncho and fake moustache.

A short explanation on the above note: my friends and I have decided to have a themed party every week. We put a bunch of themes into a hat, and plan to randomly choose a theme for each week. Next week's party is RANDOM! Which means everyone wears a random costume, and we'll probably end up creating mixed drinks out of random ingredients. Señor Funtimes may make another appearance.


In other news, I'm not really sure what to do about this whole TM thing. It was a lot of fun at first, having a cute boy call and text me all the time. I mean, a fun, sexy flirtation is exactly what I'm looking for, but then it turned into something else. It suddenly got a lot more involved than I ever intended it to be, and he was texting me at least fifteen times a day; it was flattering, until he got the attitude that I had to be accountable for the times when I wasn't texting him back right away. He never said it outright, but he would get a little whiny, almost petulant, when I didn't have time to text him back within five or ten minutes. I've been feeling a little smothered lately, and he's not even on the same side of the country as I am! I can't stand it when guys think that every spare moment I have should be devoted to them; I feel like it's a warning sign of someone who's much too controlling or insecure. I asked TM to back off a little, and he has. I feel like this, at least, is a hopeful sign, although I'm becoming less convinced that I want to try dating him again next year. It's still up in the air; I'm not about to make any commitments at this point. I've realized, though, that I'm not really commitment-phobic; I think it's just my instincts telling me when a guy's not right for me.

I've been driving a lot lately, listening to music and being alone with my thoughts. I find that it helps me sort things out in my head, where previously I had to talk them all out with someone else. It's not that I don't talk to my friends about my dilemmas anymore, by any means, but it does let me come to my own conclusions before I listen to anyone else's. One of my biggest weaknesses is that I tend to adopt other people's opinions as my own because I don't trust myself to be right or to feel the way I should about things.

I've also been watching a lot of Josh Groban live concerts. I have two on dvd, and I've been watching the one that airs on PBS...it is bad that I prefer this to a real and interested (albeit geographically distant)boy?

A New Favorite Poem

Sex Without Love


How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.

Sharon Olds

Shoes

Last night, after getting home at midnight, I killed my mild insomnia by uploading all of the pictures from my camera onto my computer. In doing so, I came across some pictures of a pair of shoes I bought last summer. I thought I'd post them here because they ARE my personality.

In other news, I heard from TM again, and we talked about my sister being sort-of bisexual, but not really, threesomes, and possessiveness. Then he told me again that I should feel free to call anytime, even if it's late.

In Detail

Okay, here is my list from the previous post, in more detail.

1. Got a house
It is an adorable little house, about 10 minutes away from campus. I have my own bedroom and a real kitchen! My two future housemates and I took possession the day before I left school, and I spent most of that day moving my stuff into the house (and studying for my Chem final, of course). I really can't wait to live there with M and C; we're going to have a great time, as evidenced by our lingerie and mojito parties this past semester!

2. Broke up with S
This is probably the least fun event on my list. I mean, we all knew that S and I were breaking up, but it was sad (although probably overdue) when it actually happened. A large part of me is still pretending that we'll get back together at the beginning of next semester. I'm letting myself believe this until I get over him. We decided that we're going to hang out a couple times as friends this summer, but I'm giving myself at least a month before I get in contact with him. He can call/text/facebook me if he wants, but I refuse to initiate anything before July.

3. Went to LA
We did the entire drive in one day (17 hellish hours!) starting at 2am and ending at 7 pm. We spent the next day sleeping, laying by the pool, and getting our nails done. Then we went to Tiger Heat, Dot's favorite gay club, which was ridiculous and awesome! Friday, we hung out at Venice Beach and 3rd Street. On Saturday, we headed up to Dot's beach house and lay around on the beach in the sun. Sunday, we went to a Dodgers game, where I ate my first Dodgerdog and sat in the sun for several hours, and I flew home on Monday morning.

4. Went to a gay club in Hollywood
It was called Tiger Heat, and it was a good time. Despite the fact that it was a gay club, I danced with 4 or 5 guys and kissed two of them. The first was a really good kisser, but the second was definitely not. The male dancers (read: strippers) were really attractive, even if they don't, sadly, play for my team.

5. Lay on the beach
Self-explanatory. I used spf 50 sunscreen, so I didn't burn, which is still a little surprising. Laying in the sun is very relaxing.

6. Came home
I didn't panic on the plane! Hooray!

7. Played insane amounts of croquet
My family is awesome. Period.

8. Got a phone call from TM
This surprised me because I figured he'd text or facebook me, if anything. I guess he wants to show me that he's really trying hard. He told me to call him anytime. I feel like I should call him soon, but I don't know if I'm ready to consider a new boy yet. I mean, it's nice knowing that he wants me; I appreciate the ego boost. It's just that I'm not really over S yet. Also, I don't really like phones.

Summertime!

It has been awhile since I've updated. A short list of things I've done lately:

1. Got a house
2. Broke up with S
3. Went to LA
4. Went to a gay club in LA
5. Lay on the beach
6. Came home
7. Played insane amounts of croquet
8. Got a phone call from TM

More details to come.

Summer of '69

It is official: Summer of '69 is my go-to song for feeling happier. I was having an overwhelmed moment earlier this evening when I realized that I have two papers due in the next twenty-four hours (one is TURNED IN NOW!), but this song made me smile again. That, and the silent dance party that was held in the library at midnight.

I have had three cups of coffee in the past two hours. I will not sleep tonight. I do like all-nighters every once in a while.


A good quote from our quote book: "I am never, ever going to have sex with a wombat on film."

A Note on Endings

It's been a while since I've posted. I guess I've been mentally processing a lot of stuff, as well as getting ready for finals (and seeing Spamalot!). I should probably start off with the news that's been on my mind the most lately; S and I decided to break up at the end of the semester. He's afraid that we're in this relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, and he thinks that this summer should be a "test" for our relationship. If he still wants to be with me when we get back next fall, we can get back together, he said. I really hope he realizes that I don't wait around for boys who break up with me. TM learned this the hard way. It's been hard, being in a relationship with an expiration date, especially since I've realized that I'm not getting everything I need from S. He's a great guy, but I need someone who will open up emotionally to me and who is willing to include me in his life. With S, I'm starting to feel like we're friends with benefits. Not even close friends with benefits. It's strange because we're so comfortable together physically, but so awkward when we actually have to talk to each other. If we do end up getting back together, there are a lot of things we'll need to work on. I was really sad about breaking up when he first brought it up, but I've been warming up to the idea since then. We both deserve to be in relationships with someone we're sure we want to be with. I would rather be in no relationship than one that isn't working for both of us.

A lot of other things have been going on in my life, too. It's the end of my sophomore year, and I can't believe I'm halfway done with college! Unfortunately, this also means that it's finals time, so I've been writing papers and studying like crazy. I had my voice juries yesterday, which didn't go as well as I wished, but not as badly as I thought they would. I also participated in beer mile, which is where a bunch of drunk college kids run a mile naked. I was one of those drunk college kids, and it was a very freeing experience. Last weekend, I drove three hours to stay at M's house and go see Spamalot with her. It was a FABULOUS show! The singing, acting, and costumes were great, and the story was very, very silly. Getting away was also really good for me because it let me find a new perspective on the S situation. I'll admit that I did spend a good part of Friday in M's guest bedroom crying to my mom over the phone. In my defense, I find endings to be really sad, and I was really tired from staying up almost all night.

I'm really excited to see Sistadre! It feels like it's been ages, and I've really missed her these past couple weeks. It'll be fun to have her visit me at school and meet all the people I've told her about!

New BFF?

I am having the most interesting conversation with TM. It is a conversation I never thought I'd have. So, I started chatting with him because his status was "TM is in a peculiar mood", and I wanted to know why. We were in the middle of a fairly normal conversation, when he goes into this:

TM: oh, btw.(long pause) i realize now the error in my ways from the beginning of the year. i should have definitely dated u longer and not freaked out b/c it was the beginning of the year
Me: it's okay...I freaked out a little too, because I wasn't really sure what I wanted at that point, but it's nice to hear. thanks.
TM: fo sho. i felt like i was in the same place as well which is nice to hear
Me: yeah. we also failed at communicating
TM: more like i dropped the ball. well, i gotta go to sig but i'd love to keep texting u if its not too much trouble...


I think it's kind of sweet that he apologized, and it's an interesting feeling, being the one that got away. TM then proceeded to make some really insightful comments about communication and relationships, which really surprised me, given how messily our little fling ended. I would also like to note that I don't really consider TM and I to have "dated", as he puts it. I think of it more as a glorified hook-up.

Museum of Sensuality and Sexual Experience

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Can I Blame It On Hormones?

I have been in incredibly weird places emotionally this week. First off, I've been very stressed out due to this Shakespeare scene project which is, thankfully, over. Coming in as a close second as a stressor: S hasn't even really kissed me or been alone with me in two weeks. Honestly, I'm not usually a clingy girl; I don't want to spend every minute of every day with a boy because I have my own life and my own friends, but two weeks is a little much for me. I'm afraid that, after two glasses of wine last night, I was a little cranky with S when I met up with him at the ZOMBIE ROCK OPERA. Yes, I went to a student-written zombie rock opera, and no, it wasn't amazing, but it was vastly entertaining. And AC is the most beautiful man I have ever set eyes on (sorry S).

So, yeah. Weird emotional places. Highs and lows. Maybe overreacting. Zombie musicals.

Busy, Busy, Busy

My life has gotten ridiculously busy in the past couple of weeks. If I'm not in class, I'm writing papers, practicing voice, and trying to fit in time for both S and my friends. This past weekend was a lot of fun because A and T came to visit, but my Saturday was the most hectic day I've had all semester.

Saturday
8:30 get up, eat breakfast
9:00 Theta carwash! I held a sign and directed people to the proper driveway. The carwash was way more successful than anyone even hoped it would be; we raised over $800 for the new woman's shelter in Walla Walla!
10:30 We saw Alexander James Adams (formerly known as Heather Alexander) perform at the Whitman Renaissance Faire. He was surprisingly good, and I could hear remnants of Heather in his voice. Much better than the last time I heard him perform.
1:00 The Whitman Scavenger Hunt. This was the most hectic part of the day; Stasi, Tobi, Aliina, and I literally ran all over campus for 4 hours trying to complete the scavenger hunt. We didn't win, but we came pretty darn close and had a TON of fun!

Now, I'm trying to juggle a bunch of different projects that I should have been working on a long time ago, but didn't have the time for earlier. My biggest concern is the Shakespeare scene I'm performing on Thursday. I'm still working on memorization, but I hope we can pull it together on time!

Also, I've been having a lot of mood swings lately, where I'll go from ridiculously happy to incredibly stressed out to really angsty. I think a lot of this has to do with stress, and I really hope it goes away soon.

Lipstick?

Okay, seriously, this has to be the most awkward moment I've had so far this year. Accepting, of course, the "lip stuff is weird" incident, which goes down as the most awkward moment of all time. So, I have a vibrator that is cleverly disguised as a lipstick tube, which I keep on my desk in a discreet spot. However, today I accidentally left it out in plain view, and this is what happened:

Cami: Ooh, what shade is this?
Me: (lunging forward) NO, DON'T OPEN IT!

At which point, I had to explain that it is not actually a tube of lipstick. It is an object designed to give me orgasms when I HAVE NOT HAD SEXY TIME IN OVER A WEEK. Okay, that was a little bitter, but everything's good. I promise.

Crankosaurus

So, I've been a crankosaurus in a MAJOR way for the past few days. I think most of it has to do with homework stress this week and the pill messing with my hormones, but E has this theory that I'm afraid of relationships, so I'm subconsciously trying to find problems with S. Honestly, I'm not so sure it's my subconscious. I know that I can be very insecure about whether or not people like me or want to spend time with me, and I also know that I'm afraid I want him more than he wants me. Basically, I am scared, like everyone else on the face of this planet, that I am going to be rejected and hurt. So, instead of focusing on the little things I've been cranky about lately, I'm going to compile a list of reasons why I like S.

10 REASONS WHY S IS AWESOME, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

1. He gives great neck/hand/feet massages, and he gives them frequently.
2. He's not afraid to be quirky or silly.
3. When he asks for someone's opinion, he really wants to know.
4. He's interested in both science AND art. Very well-rounded.
5. He dances.
6. His family is really important to him, and his face lights up when he talks about them.
7. And, because my superficial side is showing, he's very good-looking. Devilishly handsome, even. Those are his words, not mine, although I agree with them :)
8. He always has these random facts about EVERYTHING. Sometimes I wonder if he makes them up...
9. He genuinely cares about his friends. He's the type of guy who will be there for his friends if they need him.
10. He cuddles.

And these are only the ones I thought of off the top of my head. Actually, I feel much less cranky now.

Anyways, I know I promised an update on meeting S's mother, but I really don't have much more time. She was very nice, it was a very casual lunch, and apparently, she told S that she thought I was "sweet and talkative", which is good because she doesn't like the quiet ones. So, it went well. Now my mom is a little annoyed because she hasn't met S even though she's known about him longer than his mom has known about me.

The Ridiculosity of TM

Okay, this post is going to focus on TM and how ridiculous he has been lately. Our story starts last Tuesday, with the Surprise Text.

The Booty Text, 4 or 5 days after TM breaks up with his girlfriend:

TM: What you up to?
Me: Just left the Phi house, going to hang out with some friends.
TM: I haven't talked to you in 4ever. How you been?
Me: I've been really good. Super busy, but good. You?
TM: I've been chilling and enjoying life. How did any of those boys ever work out for ya? Find any keepers?
Me: Well, I broke up with the one I went out with before break, but I'm seeing someone else now.
TM: Nice. Sorry, I'm going to bed now.

And if this wasn't hilarious enough, I got back to my room to find that he had sent me a facebook message 10 minutes before texting me, asking basically the same thing. Can we say "desperate"?


The Barefoot Formal:

As most of you know, I met TM at last year's Barefoot Formal, when he was just a wee little prospie grinding on older college women (aka, me). To be fair, I was the one grinding on him. Anyways, last night was Barefoot Formal, and (this is a little bitchy of me) I felt pretty gratified that I had a boy, and TM was by himself. S was really cute last night, actually; we spent most of Barefoot Formal swing dancing, which was really fun. Afterwards, a group of us played light-up Bocce Ball and hung out in Stasi's apartment eating homemade ice cream. I'd say it was a great night, in all.

NEXT POST: Emily meets S's mother.

The Surprising Text

I don't have time for a full post, but I'm going to give a teaser for those of you who are eagerly awaiting my (lately infrequent) posts. Yesterday, around 7:30 pm, I got an unexpected text. It went something like this:

From: A SURPRISE
To: Emily
7:28 PM

What you up to?



MORE DETAILS TO COME

It's Been Awhile

Yeah, I suck at blogging sometimes. Good thing I only have three readers :)

To follow Caroline's example, I will write a list:

1. Housing drama. It sucks, and I wish I didn't have to deal with it. I'm sorry, but I still need to find somewhere to live, even if you can't get your act together.
2. Boy drama. It's not real drama because I like him, and he likes me, but I do think we need to talk about where we stand. We haven't yet because it turns out that I suck at these sorts of discussions.
3. Sunny weather! It's going to be 70 degrees today. I'm wearing a skirt. Yesterday, I wore a sundress.
4. My fantasy, come true. Yesterday, I danced with S to Van Morrison's "Moondance". This has been part of my ideal date for a very long time. It made me happy.
5. Volleyball! I had my first IM volleyball game yesterday. It was the first time I've played in two years, and it was so much fun! We lost by a lot because most of our players have never played before, but it was still a good time.

Proof of Genuine Sympathy In The World

I realized the other day that there are still genuinely compassionate people in this world. I'm a little hesitant to tell this story here because I'm a little embarrassed about it, and I haven't told anyone the entire story yet. On Saturday, a lot of little things added up to a really crappy day, and I ended up at the mall with my mom, sad about my grandpa because I'd been visiting my grandma, jealous of my sister because my grandma's taking her on a cruise and a tour of Europe, and hungry because I hadn't really eaten since breakfast. At the mall, my mom promised that it would be a quick trip to find a baby shower gift and that we'd go find something to eat right afterward. An hour later, my mom was looking at shoes and insisting that I stay with her instead of going to get food. Everything sort of added up and I almost started crying, so I got out of there as fast as possible. I ended up at a Seattle's Best Coffee in the food court where, much to my embarrassment, I started full-on crying. Now, I absolutely hate crying in front of people, especially people I don't know, but the barista noticed that I was crying and came over to ask if I wanted a hug and gave me a coupon for a free coffee. I wish I'd been coherent enough to thank her properly, but I was too embarrassed to really say much beyond "thanks". So:

Dear Seattle's Best barista,
I really appreciated your sympathy last Saturday, and I will hold it as proof that there are genuinely good people in the world. I wish I hadn't had a break-down in public, but I'm glad that it happened in your coffee shop, since it had to happen.

Sincerely,
Emily

In Which Dot Is Ridiculous And Awesome

I'm not really sure what to say, which is kind of a first for me. Let's just say that it pertains to S, and that I'm still processing things. I know I haven't written about S a lot recently, despite the fact that I've been spending quite a bit of time with him. It's probably because things have been going so well that I haven't written about him.

So, keeping in my recent trend, I will share an awkward story that one of my friends had. I was over at the Sig house (completely sober!) a few weeks ago with Dot, who was a little drunk, and P, who was also completely sober because he can't drink with his medication, and this freshman who I will call The Jew. Now, Dot is Jewish and would very much like to date a Jewish boy, so P turns to her after introducing The Jew and says "He's Jewish, too!" Dot jumped up, threw her arms around The Jew and drunkenly yelled "You're from the tribe, too???". I will never let her live this down. Ever.

I also have another awkward story about Dot that conveys her personality perfectly. Apparently, she was walking over the bridge near our dorm when she realized that there was a family of ducks in the water, and no one else was nearby. Because she's Dot, she decided that she wanted to make the weirdest noise possible and see if she could scare the ducks. She demonstrated the noise for me, and it was a cross between a growl and a hairball. Right after she made the noise, she realized that there was a girl standing on the other side of the bridge. And that is Dot, in a nutshell.

And now, back to my paper on Othello. Why does it seem like I'm always writing a paper?

God, Don't Have A Fuzzgasm

The word of the week has totally been "fuzzgasm", coined by Dot when she put 3 fuzzy blankets, 2 fuzzy pillowcases, and fuzzy shorts on her bed. I absolutely love everything that Dot says. Honestly, I laugh more with her than almost anyone else, excepting maybe Ellie. Anyways, her bed is extremely comfortable now, and I even took a half-hour nap on in this evening, in preparation for the paper-writing marathon (which is less than a page away from the finish).

Another funny story Dot told me yesterday:

When Dot was younger, her dad gave her a family tree and told her about her family history. Her last name apparently comes from German, meaning shopkeeper. Years later, she was comparing her family tree with those of her two brothers and they realized that all the family trees were completely different. In fact, her older brother thought they were Irish, and her younger brother thought they were Native American. Her dad had made up different lies for all of them, and they never knew until several years ago! EPIC WIN!


And now it is time to finish this essay...

Some Funny Stories And Some Juicy Gossip

My friend told me a hilarious story the other day, and I'm retelling it here with the understanding that her name will never be revealed. I'll call her the Kind-Of Virgin, or Virgin, for short. So, Virgin was getting naked with her boyfriend for the first time, and after he took off his clothes, he simply looked at her, pointed at his crotch and said, "So...penis." This just cracked me up, especially since Virgin is sort of a prude.

In other news, TM has a new girl, and I managed to find her blog and follow their fledgling relationship. I'm really enjoying laughing at him, especially since I have no emotional ties to him anymore. I hope this works out well for them both because I'm fairly sure he won't find anyone else at this school who will date him.

As I sat here writing this, another friend of mine came into my room and told me another hilarious story. Apparently, this friend has been dating a new boy who is awesome in a lot of ways, but sometimes seems to hide things from her or lie to her. The other day, she asked him if he'd gotten into any more grad schools, and he said, "Yeah, I did!" When she asked him which ones, he looked flustered and replied, "Uh, I mean....no." Which goes to show that even great guys can be dumbasses sometimes.

A Little Bit Sad

I flew home this past weekend to attend my grandpa's funeral service. It was good to see my family, although it was a little overwhelming; there were over 280 people at the service. It was hard to make small talk for several hours with virtual strangers who all seemed to know who I was. The service itself was really nice, and I got to see a different side of my grandpa through the stories his close friends told. I thought it was funny and entirely appropriate that my grandpa's broker spoke at the funeral; money was one of the few things that my grandpa cared about, apart from his family and beer.

I was really glad that I got to spend a little time with my grandma; I'm sure it's extremely hard for her, although I imagine that it's a little bit of a relief, too. My grandpa had a really bad month, and my grandma spent a lot of her time making very difficult decisions. It's a big change for my grandma; she married my grandpa right out of high school, so she's never been on her own before. When A and T came to pick me up from my grandma's house, she walked me out and as we were walking down the front steps she asked me tipsily, "Is it okay that I've had a lot of wine?" I told her that I thought she was entitled to a few glasses of wine at this point.

I know that it was my grandpa's time to go; he'd suffered a lot this past month, and he was ready in every way possible.

The Black Widow

I had the weirdest dream ever, and I'm not kidding. Last night, I dreamed that everyone thought that I was this crazy serial killer called The Black Widow who lured college boys up to her dorm room by leaving them personalized messages on pennies, had sex with them multiple times, and murdered them. You know what the funniest part was? I WAS THE BLACK WIDOW. But my diabolical pattern was subverted by a guy who didn't even want to make out with me, let alone sleep with me. Obviously, I couldn't murder him, then, which actually turned out to be a very good thing because my roommate had suspected me of being the serial killer, and when the boy walked out of my room alive and kicking, she changed her mind.

Analyze away, Freud.

Something In The Water?

Is it just me, or has the atmosphere been noticeably hot and heavy lately? I'm not talking about the weather; T's got a new boy, I've got a new boy, and I was sexiled by my roommate for the first time last night. Okay, so it's not actually being sexiled because we actually have separate rooms, but these walls are paper thin, let me tell you. I spent most of the night hanging out in the chapter room or A's room, and when I got back to my room at 1:15am, I put on my ipod because I realized that the menu track of their dvd was replaying for the 10th time, and they were clearly not watching the movie anymore.

In the past few days, I've been a little frustrated because I don't know where I stand with S. At Casino Night, something felt off and a little weird when I was talking to him, but I was standing with a group of friends later, and S came over, tucked my hand under his arm, and asked if he could steal me away for a little bit. We went and took a photo together at the photo station; it actually took a lot of tries to get a good photo because I was always making an awkward face when the picture was taken. I felt pretty good about things after that, and we watched a movie together yesterday, but there was no more kissing, and I'm a little paranoid that he doesn't like kissing me, especially after the incident with K.


To my gentle readers, I realize that this has become more of a dating blog than an awkward-moments-of-my-life blog, but many of my awkward interactions are with boys I like/am dating or are like the above sexile story.

In other NON-BOY-RELATED NEWS:
I auditioned for one of the a capella groups yesterday, but didn't get a spot. I was pretty bummed because there were only 7 or 8 girls who auditioned, but I think I'll be okay. I'll probably keep auditioning until I get in or until I graduate.

A Conversation About Nudity

Me: I almost lost at strip poker once.
Ellie: How do you lose at strip poker?
Me: Well, you end up with no...oh. Good point.

Commence hysterical laughter...

Get Thee To A Nunnery!

Yes, I'm up late again, writing another paper. This one's for my Shakespeare class, and it's on Ophelia's identity as a sexual being. It's actually a really interesting paper to write, and it's going pretty fast, considering I've taken several half-hour breaks since I sat down to write. I had caffeine about an hour ago, so I'll probably be up for a while longer, even if I finish this paper soon. I'm really glad I can write papers again and actually enjoy the intellectual stimulation; last semester, it felt like I was running headfirst into a concrete wall every time I tried to write.

Speaking of running into concrete walls, that's what my voice lesson today felt like. There was this one turn that my voice teacher was trying to get me to sing, but my brain just couldn't wrap itself around the notes, so it never came out right. We talked at the end of the lesson about how I can't be afraid or hold back because I have such a powerful sound that it would be silly to not let it out.

I'll update on S later, but suffice it to say that I'm very happy with the way things are going so far.

Most Badass Bunny Ever

Okay, I found this while stalking someone on facebook. This has to be the most hilarious video I've seen since the Pronking Springboks. Please watch it now.

Let's Get Rich And Give Everybody Nice Sweaters

Still obsessed with "The Chain" by Ingrid Michaelson. I would also like to note that almost every single song on my "Top 25 Most Played" list is by 10,000 Maniacs, Vanessa Carlton, Colbie Caillat, and Sara Bareilles, with a few guest spots by Norah Jones, Lyle Lovett, and Michael Buble. When I discover music I like, I tend to listen to it over and over again until I move on to something new. I've listened to "Chain Song" at least 20 times since yesterday afternoon.

In other news, it's sunny here! Not warm, but sunny, which is enough for now. I really can't wait for spring, even though it's only February. My favorite memory of last year is April last year, reading in bed with Stasi listening to 10,000 Maniacs in the background while the sun came through my window. I remember feeling very peaceful and carefree that day.

Don't You Worry There, My Honey

If any of my (two or three) readers are looking for new music to listen to, I highly recommend Ingrid Michaelson's cd "Be Okay". My mom's been listening to it nonstop, so I stole the cd from her when I went home for the three-day weekend. It's a really interesting cd, and I really like the way she uses her voice. My favorite song by far is "The Chain", which is both sweet and very musically beautiful.

Okay, I guess that I should give an update on my Valentine's Day, which was excellent, although there was no boy involved. If we recall last Valentine's Day, I was still pining over George and spent a good bit of confusing time with him that day. This day was so much better. I played laser tag with Stasi and Tobi, and I got second place out of the entire mission, which made me feel so badass. For the record, I'm probably the least badass person in the world, so it was a new and awesome feeling for me. My codename was River Tam, which added to the badassness of it. After laser tag, Stasi, Tobi, Aliina, and I opened a bottle of wine and played our own version of Apples To Apples. The nouns included every boy we've ever had a crush on, as well as nouns like "Having Nothing In Common" and "Going Out To Coffee" and "My First Kiss". It was epic. I'm definitely one of those people who love Valentine's Day even when they don't have a significant other. Actually, I think that I like it better when I don't have a significant other because I'd feel really awkward making a big deal about it if I actually had a boyfriend.

Speaking of boys, there's kind of a new one in the picture. I was kind of into S last semester, but I got distracted by K, and we all know how that turned out. Well, this took me completely by surprise, but I ended up bringing S back with me after Post-I. We ended up making out pretty heavily. Actually, we fell off the bed at one point. We went out to dinner the next night and hung out again later in the week, but I'm not sure where things are going right now. I don't feel like I have to know, which is completely different from how I felt with K. With K, I felt like we were Dating, with a capital D; everything was planned and scheduled, and we were going to end up in a relationship if we kept the pattern up. I don't think I could ever have a relationship like that, where there was no spontaneity or casual hanging-out time. Anyways, I feel so much more comfortable with S, and I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it pans out.

On another note, I finally asked Professor A if she would be my major adviser, and she said she would "with every joy and happiness!". She also told me that she thought the English major was the perfect place for me, which was the nicest thing she could have said. I've been having major doubts about the English major since taking Professor T's Renaissance Literature class last semester. I know that Professor T makes everyone feel like this, but it really damaged my confidence in my reading and writing skills. Professor A's class this semester has renewed my love of literature, and I actually enjoyed writing the first paper of the semester. There's just so much power in the written word, no matter what time period it comes from. It's hard to believe that I considered majoring in anything else because it's so obvious to me that this is what I'm passionate about.

Fleshy, Tasty Meanings

I don't think I've ever enjoyed writing a paper this much. Seriously, I think the last time I really had fun writing an essay was back in high school. Not only am I finding it intellectually stimulating to write the paper, I'm also very happy with the company I have. I've been sitting in M's room for the past 5 hours (minus a 45 minute trip to the gym) because we're both writing papers for the same class. I'm taking as long as I normally do to write papers (okay, maybe a little longer), but it's been five times more fun because I'm not so worried about time (if M's not finished, I don't need to be either!), and because M and I have such a great shared sense of humor. I think one of the reasons I dislike writing papers is that I dislike being by myself for too long, and I generally organize my thoughts by discussing them with someone else. When I'm here with M, neither of those are an issue because I can run ideas by her at any point or make random comments for socialization. Also, M is going to have one of her papers published in a literary journal, so I appreciate any critiques she can give me.

Well, I think I'm starting to not make sense, so I should probably go finish the last page and a half of my essay before it gets too late. I still have to make a collage on a champagne bottle for my dot's post-I gift!

A QUOTE FROM M'S PAPER:

"The meat is the fleshy, tasty, more enjoyable level of meaning that is not quite the heart!"

A CONVERSATION:

M: I'm arguing that the buttons represent punctuation.
Me: Because they're round and small like periods?
M: No! Well, yes, but no!

Of Sushi And Cake

I've decided that California rolls and German chocolate cake can cure any problems, and they definitely trump writing a paper. Any day.

While studying for our chem quiz earlier this evening, Stasi and I both admitted to craving sushi ALL WEEK and made a spontaneous run to Safeway. I think it was the best sushi I've ever had, even though it was the pre-packaged stuff that nearly every grocery store carries. Then Stasi pulled out a bottle of Bailey's and some German chocolate cake, and we had a little bit of both (we went easy on the Bailey's on account of having 9am classes tomorrow). It was delicious.

It solved all my problems. Honestly, I was feeling a little guilty because I broke up with K yesterday. I use the term "broke up" loosely because we weren't officially a couple. He knew it was coming. In fact, the first thing he said when we met for coffee was "I fucked up, didn't I?". I wish him the best, but honestly, I wasn't really feeling more-than-friend chemistry with him, so I'm glad I ended things. I probably would have ended it even if he hadn't weirded me out with the kissing revelation.

All in all, life is good. More importantly, sushi is good.

How To Lose A Guy In Three Days

I guarantee you that you've never experienced a date like the one I experienced last night. In fact, I'm still a little in shock, although I'm definitely laughing about it already.

I called K around 7:30, and he came over to watch Ocean's 13 with me (side note: I could have sworn I never saw Ocean's 13, but apparently I did, at some point). It was fun, and we cuddled, which was nice but not earth-shattering. When the movie was over, I walked him to the door and kissed him goodnight. HERE COMES THE WEIRD PART. Right after I kissed him, he pulled away and told me that he doesn't like kissing. He said, and I quote, "Lip stuff is weird". Apparently, he wants to date me, but not kiss me. EVER. I'm not so sure I'm okay with this. In fact, it's kind of a deal-breaker for me because I think it's really important to feel comfortable physically with someone you're in a relationship with. Honestly, if he doesn't enjoy kissing, then it's probably because I'm not the right girl for him. And he's definitely not the right guy for me because I want a boy who will actually kiss me. There's really no point in dating him if all we're ever going to do is hold hands and cuddle; I have my girl friends for that. I am such a physical, touchy-feely kind of girl that I would hate being in a relationship that didn't include kissing and being affectionate in physical ways.

Unfortunately, K seems to be under the impression that we're still going to date. I did tell him that it was okay that he doesn't want to kiss, and that I would call him, but I really just needed time to process and decide what to do. He texted me and asked if I want to watch a movie with him tomorrow (another side note: he also seems to be under the impression that he gets first dibs on my free time now), but I told him I didn't have time for a movie. We're going to get coffee instead, and I will inform him (gently) that I think we should just be friends. I imagine that he'll be a little confused, but I honestly think that if you tell a girl you don't want to kiss, you have to expect that she might not want to date you anymore.

That about sums up my love life right now. Yep.

I-Week

Okay, I'd like to give a short update on this past week before I head off to brunch.

This week was initiation, so my life was eaten by Theta all week. When I wasn't being consumed by Theta, I was reading The Temptation of the Night Jasmine, and going to classes. I guess I should start with Wednesday, because that's when things got interesting.

Wednesday: During Chem lab, K texted me and asked if I wanted to watch Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon with him and his film class that evening. That felt really couple-y, especially because he had his arm around me the entire time. Honestly, I was a little freaked out because it felt like declaring coupledom, which I'm not sure I'm ready for. Actually, I really questioned whether or not I actually like K, or if I'm just looking for a boyfriend. I'm still asking myself this. After the movie, I was glad to have the excuse of initiation stuff to leave quickly. Aspiration Night was really fun, although we sat in a small room full of nail-polish fumes for about two hours. Also, I painted my nails black (our colors are black and gold), which I once swore never to do.

Thursday: Thursday night was awesome! I got very little sleep, because I went to bed at 2am and then got up at 6 am to take my dot to breakfast at a nearby restaurant. Needless to say, I was pretty much useless on Friday.

Friday: Not much to say, honestly. Love and Loyalty Night was long and kind of boring. At least there was cake. I like cake. I went to the Sig Post-I party and was hella groped by this one guy I danced with. I also had an awkward encounter with TM where I was leaving and he followed me out of the house to ask why. I decided to return to the party later, and he gave me a confused look when he saw me back again.

Saturday: Initiation! I love all the creepy, ritualistic stuff we do! I really liked being on this side of initiation, even though it took forever and was hot as hell in the room. It was a really nice time to bond with all my Theta friends because it's hard to get everyone in the same room at one time. After initiation, Alie and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne in my room, and then we went out to the German house, a bollywood dance party at the ASH, and the Sig house, where we hung out in the Sig kitchen for at least an hour with P.

Sunday: This deserves its own post because it has to do with K and why I decided I can't date him anymore.



In closing, from urbandictionary.com:

kthxbi definition:
I understand. Your help in this matter has been greatly appreciated. However, with much regret and much haste, I must be departing from our conversation. Example:
newb2342: da partiez @ 4, b there!!1
lolz3r: kthxbi!!!!11

Thoughts and Dates

During the second meeting of my Woman's Identity class this week, I remembered how strongly I feel about feminism, and I wondered why I had forgotten that until now. Maybe it was joining a sorority or spending my time with people who just don't focus on the subject, but sometime between early high school and now, my feelings on this topic were relegated to the back of my mind. I'm really looking forward to learning more about this topic during the semester.

In other news, I'm also learning that dating is hard for me. I don't know why this is a surprise. I think I had a panic attack before bowling yesterday, which made it extra hard. Anyways, the date was not quite a success, but not quite a failure, either. He called yesterday and asked me to go to a movie and dinner with him on Saturday, and I decided that he gets a third date. I hope it goes better than bowling did, and I keep reminding myself that I don't ever have to make any commitments that I don't feel completely comfortable with. This is probably the only thing that's keeping me from panicking again. Honestly, I don't know why I can't date without panicking. At this point, I'm pretty sure that I could like K a lot, but my fear is really holding me back. I'm going to give it another try, and I'm hoping we'll feel more comfortable with each other. For some reason, I'm very good at being a buddy, but very bad at being a romantic interest.

New Semester, New Year...New Resolutions?

Okay, I really ditched this thing during break, but I feel like my time was better spent with my friends making 36 ft long pasta, going to a strip club in Canada, texting K, building forts, and playing sperm pictionary. It was a great break, even though Jules was only there for a couple of weeks.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Um, yeah. I make them every year, and every year I forget about them about two months in. As in, I literally forget what resolutions I made. So, in anticipation of this obstacle, I've decided to keep a journal to record my progress. It's very Bridget Jones of me, and we'll see how it goes. My resolutions are as follows:

1. Drink less caffeine. I plan to cut back one cup at a time, so for the next two or three weeks I will limit my intake to 2-3 cups a day, and then 1-2 cups. This is one step in my larger plan to get more sleep.

2. Get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Cutting back on caffeine (especially in the afternoon) will help with this. I'm also going to try and get my homework done earlier so I can sleep earlier. I really need to start getting more sleep, because I think it's interfering in my schoolwork and my happiness in general.

3. Do something every day that makes me happy. Every day, I'm going to record in my journal something that made me happy. This can be something like taking a walk, having a conversation with someone I don't see much, reading a good book, writing a poem, or having an especially delicious daydream. I'm hoping to start focusing on things that make my life wonderful rather than my usual litany of complaints and gripes.

I'm hoping I'll be able to keep these up at least until the end of this semester, if not until next January. I'm also interested in seeing if I can finally manage to keep a consistent journal for so long. I usually go through periods of a few months where I write a lot, and then it tapers off for a while. Wish me luck, and I'll keep you posted on my progress! And by you, I mean the two or three people who actually read this thing.

NEXT TIME: An update on things with K