Dancing Where The Stars Go Blue

I keep starting to write entries for this blog, which then taper off into nothing as I start thinking too much about everything I want to say and everything I want to keep private. In the end, it comes down to this: I don't know what I want.

I want to know why, at the beginning of every new relationship, I get scared and tell myself I don't need or want to start anything romantic. At least it's getting easier to distinguish between plain fear and my intuition telling me "not the right person". With K, it took me four dates to realize that he was not for me; with TM, I don't need to go on any dates to know that, though I have a very physical reaction to him, a relationship would absolutely not work. S is different altogether; I worked through the beginning-stages fear really easily, but freaked out when it came to making myself emotionally vulnerable.

ZB is interesting because I think I could like him a lot, but I also know that I'm leaving in 10 days, and I definitely do not want a long distance relationship at such an early stage. Our date tonight was the most romantic I've ever been on, though. We went to see 500 Days of Summer (my choice), which was a great movie, and he held my hand through the entire thing. There were no awkward "should I go for it or not" movements; he just reached over and laced his fingers in mine. In the car afterwards, we didn't sit around awkwardly wondering if we should do something else; he simply looked at me and asked "waterfront?", and I gave him a thumbs up. The conversation flowed easily, and we both laughed a lot until we got to the waterfront. I can honestly say that I've never been in such a romantic situation. We walked down the waterfront and watched the last bit of light disappear in the sky, and then he kissed me at the end of the pier while we looked at the stars. It wasn't lacking in fun either; we snuck up on a flock of sleeping geese and then we made up stories about this empty building on the waterfront. Some of our better theories: keeping mermaids captive in the surrounding water, and vampires in hiding.

I do have doubts about ZB. He's not as off-beat as the guys I normally date. I love guys who have a lot of passion for life and things in their life. I want guys who aren't afraid to have eccentric interests or who have ambitious goals and aspirations. Despite this, it's very easy to like ZB because he's funny and sweet. Things are simple with him. Maybe that's not something I'm not looking for in a long-term relationship, but I don't mind simple and easy for the last couple weeks of summer. I enjoyed the two dates we've gone on, and I hope I get to know him better before I leave.

A note on kissing: the feeling of kissing someone new is so strange, especially when you're used to someone else's kissing style. I got used to the way S kissed, so it's strange to experience something different. It's not better or worse, just...different.